10.

this all went down over a decade ago, but i still remember the panic, the shame, the pressure of my inner monologue that was equal to the force at which food traveled from hand to mouth. again and again and again. repeat until beyond full. repeat despite not needing it or even wanting it. and again an hour later, or perhaps the next day or two (or three?) in a row, but whichever the direction, one wrong turn inevitably lead to another gaining speed along the way. it was all justified somehow in my mind, or excused by some strange inner logic: i ate X or Y (or both) yesterday, may as well today too.

knowing so many others worse off has helped me be dishonest all these years, shielding myself in a certainty that i never had an eating disorder. i was even secretly proud i had very narrowly escaped that fate among the many women who succumbed around me. i never starved myself (never could). never vomited (though i tried). but now, finally, all these years later, i'm putting words and labels to that period of my life, making sense of the legacy those several struggling years have left in my head and heart and hands.

i count myself lucky that the voices have quieted down. their power is lessened or at very least they are less effective. and i can walk the world freely, at times even confidently, never taking for granted that i no longer see my body as a brand of shame – though part of me dreams of being free to the point of complete forgetfulness.

holding this new acceptance in close, i can clearly see now what was always obvious: that my actions, my thoughts, even my weight whatever it was at any given time, they were not the cause of the shame, but rather the embodiment of it. and for the first time ever i am able to look back without denying my history, gratefully discovering a capacity to hold myself and my past with a new gentleness and understanding.

so, onward – ever onward, proudly onward – as i continue the journey of this year so marked by freedom and celebration of my strength and health and beauty.

photo credit: caroline walker evans