i've tried to write a lot in the past hour or so about what today meant to me, what this spring has meant to me. i'm finding it hard to collect the right words.
without seeking or anticipating, most often when i least expected it, i've been inundated by gentle hands holding up mirrors to remind me who i am. compliments, unexpected and artless, stopping me in my tracks daily. soft spirits wrapping me up tight.
and today, today was a day concentrating all of this new grace and truth and beauty of my life, giving me a chance to steep deeply in its sweetness and power.
i have no words for how lovely today was. to be safe under the gaze of others as the layers came slowly off. the heaviest one of all to discard is the thick skin of unattractiveness i sewed on to my skin long ago. (just a little) champagne helped, but their generosity even more so. generosity of craft and creativity and appreciation for me -- three photographers who helped me find angles of myself i didn't even begin to know existed.
a little over an hour ago, way too late for anyone really, caroline sent me a sneak peek and all i could do was look and cry.
i listened to the new radiohead album today. finally. it's hard to think i could barely sit down fast enough for in rainbows, my heart racing, my body warm from anticipation, unable to concentrate at work until i had consumed it to the very last note. even years later, with the surprise early-morning release of the king of limbs, by the evening i was in my car, driving under the full moon, having a date with myself, the roads, and the music.
this album was different. i knew it would be ahead of time. after hearing all my friends' plans for their first listens last sunday, i waited almost a week to listen to their latest release, a moon shaped pool, rescheduling a listening party, holding it at bay, delaying on my own each day. the constant excuses, the repeated "no, i still haven't listened yet" texts, they were covering up my awareness that this was a break-up album for thom and for me, too, in my own way.
given my fall and winter, and now my spring (please, please don't follow me into the summer), i knew i would need to listen in the proper space. it took me a while to find it, and it ended up looking differently than i had hoped, but probably the way i should have planned from the beginning: sitting alone in my living room, cross legged in between my speakers, editing photos and daydreaming.
daydreaming...wow. what a song. despite being released before the album, i had avoided listening to it ahead of time, so when the opening notes spread out before me for the first time today i could tell right away it was going to hit hard.
it did not disappoint.
dreamers they never learn they never learn beyond the point of no return of no return and it's too late the damage is done the damage is done this goes beyond me beyond you the white room by a window the sun comes through we are just happy to serve just happy to serve you
most of the album i'm still waiting to find their own places inside of me. the listens in the coming days and weeks, and later into the summer, hearing all the songs live, i trust they will find their way into my being. like all their songs do.
this heart i have, so full, so bruised of late, i can't help but make room for more. speaking as someone who was always a dreamer, thom is right yet again. dreamers never learn...
a puppy pile of tangled limbs and foot rubs always making room for one or two more as the hand i hold from the floor stretched up to the leg that is not my own is that of a perfect stranger – but not in the way you think.
because there are no strangers here. just bodies and hearts, people who are people who are here to love these two that love their love (a wedding is such a good place for that, you know). and as the woman's hand on my belly reminds me it's taut and sweet, and his hands at my feet remind me i am too, i find myself glad i made room for yet one more, folding my arms around a waist and loving the hell out of her while the rest on the couch fold themselves in.
and i find we have become a strange new creature with the rustling cadence of slowly shifting limbs and independent lungs. hearts wide open, our clothing still on, and i know my only job is to be. here. allowing her to whisper advice to my fears till the wave passes through us and i feel my spirit hold on tighter as we help her ferry away tears – for this is the gift of perfect strangers and i am feeling particularly generous. and she, she is particularly generous.
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there is an epilogue to this story: one that stretched far past the night, past the quiet of the stars that held us suspended in awe, as just two held on to each other tight, forever grateful for this moment: a shared delight in perfect strangers.
